Quietly nearing the end of the year.

December 29th is such a strange day. Nothing is going on. No birthdays. No Christmas. No anniversaries. No New Years. Just December 29th.

It is nearly 10am and I've only been up for a few minutes. It's time to start setting the alarm. Time to get moving. I certainly do not like sleeping that late. I would like to get up and enjoyed the quiet of the morning. I would do these morning pages and go for a jog. Which of course, I am going to do now, but it would be nice to be up earlier. I wonder if my lack of exercise has prompted my sleeping late or if is the working so much. Probably a combination of both I would guess.

absolutely love my easel Thomas bought for me. Have to make an artists date with myself. I believe today is Wednesday. Friday would be a great day to paint. I will mark it on my calendar. Also love the website Creativity Portal. That would be where I got my own calendar to decorate. I should decorate any commercial calendar, but this one is fun.

Could it be that I have nothing on my mind today> and just as I begin to type, memories of the just food of yesterday come flooding back. I tried to fast yesterday and what happened? I had popcorn, (which I am dumping into the garbage today), chips, chocolate. My ramen noodles were good though. Burned my tongue.

I think I shall cut this short. I've been typing for 10 minutes and just really want to get my clothes on and get outside. A bike ride sounds very wonderful, but I think I will go for a run/walk. I think I will head up Airoso if there is a sidewalk.

Until tomorrow.....

one last note so it would be fresh in my thoughts....Move the clock closer to me and set the alarm.

Letter From Mom

here lately everything you send me is doubled, i get 2 of the exact same thing. the furnace is acting up again. first wouldn't work, i called the house warranty at 4:50 PM and then again about 5pm when the Collinsville heating air condition had Fridays message on the answering machine, the house warranty is trying to get another company to come out. new igniter put on 12/21 wont lite furnace, i fooled with thermostat, now comes on, wont go off. i am scared if i die due to furnace, please sue these people. bankof edwsardsville Mary white has access to all paper work, also real estate agent who knows mary.her name is Kathy.
no i doni know of ma & pa having any anniversary parties. i done know if they went out ever. i don't know if they had any interests. i done know if they had any hopes dreams or any thing else. i know all pa did was put in a crop, reap it, worry about paying the bank for the money he borrowed to buy seeds if the crop sold for enough to pay it. i didn't know when they were sick, sorrowful, grieving, hungry, tired, going thru change, in pain, or anything else. i didn't really know them or anything about them if you want to know the truth. i didn't know about anything except myself. i was the all important thing in my life. i did not care about any one else, or the effects of any of my actions. i only knew and cared about me. i knew there was something wrong with me when i was young. my mind became increasingly worse and i knew when i was a senior that something was very wrong. even then i could look back and see instances, but i didn't know what to do. in the following 10 years whatever was wrong with me climaxed. i still didn't know what to do. it is not as bad now. i have received treatment a few times, been hospitalized twice, and have been labeled as manic depression and/or antisocial. i am still not sure what is wrong with me, but something terrible is in my brain and have been since it surfaced age 10-11, that is my first real memory of it. i tried to talk to ma about it before, what was wrong with me and she always said nothing was wrong with me, she said i was just mean. but i always knew something was wrong. and, no, i haven't had a drop to drink. i always wondered if the morning sickness meds she took that almost caused her a miscarriage in my 6th month, caused some of my problems. i didn't know until about age 30 about some bone deformities in jaws and mouth that dentist almost fell over about & exclaimed that it was the most perfect example of whatever he called it that he ever saw. i also was born with no reserve in my eyes which they found out about when i was also about age 2. also this brain problem, i done know what caused it, but i know its wrong.
So in answer to your question re their anniversary, I guess they never celebrated. In later years, us girls tried to get them to go out to eat for anniversary or other occasions, but they wouldnt. I don't know why. I done care why, anymore. its over.
happy birthday tomorrow. i surely hope your card gets there. sorry this is a depressing letter, but its real man. love, mom

The Day After Christmas

I so wanted to write yesterday with remembrances of Christmases past, but Robert came over,Tom and I went for a walk, and then we had to go in early. So here it is the day after Christmas and I have little to say.

It is grandma's and grandpa's anniversary. I hope they are celebrating. They never really did while they were here. I wonder if they wanted to and just didn't or couldn't. I don't ever remember them going out to dinner. What a simple thing they never did with each other. I think Grandma would have enjoyed it, but I don't know if she ever complained about the absence. Maybe they will do something special now.

I made a list of resolutions not like any other I have ever made. I'm pleased with these. They're fun as opposed to tedious. I resolved to wear jeans less and accessorize more. Do my make up nicely. Don't go wandering around in public so much looking like a skank. Call my mom more. Lose 5 pounds at a time instead of working toward big hunks. Write letters to friends and family on birthdays. And Christmas. I enjoyed writing to my friends this year. I hope they all received my cards and thank you, mom, for having cards! What a wonderfull thing!

It's very hard to write/type with a cat in my lap.

I should continue on, but I really would like to curl up and read. Would like to get in an hour of exercise today. We'll see what happens. I always have grand thoughts of going out shopping on the day after Christmas, but I just don't want to. It's quite the windy, blustery day today. I stayed in bed until 10am. Tom is still snoozing!!

An Early Late Day

This morning I am up about an hour later than I wanted to be since I have to leave for work at 11am. Don't mind the overtime, just have to keep telling myself. I think Tom and I don't know how to have sex with each other any more. We were all snuggly lat night and I don't know what happened. Perhaps this morning, I will do 15 minutes of stretches, shower, then wake him up nicely. Sounds like a good plan! I have to get all of my school stuff together and get it in the mail. Lots of stuff to work on while watching tv all day. I will also finish my books. I would much rather read at work than talk and play on the internet. But, I have been very bad lately.

Mold spores in the vents! Ain't that a B! Well, thankfully I have not been affected, that I am aware of. Could have died laughing when Wanda sat therein a down coat and mask. Holy Shit.

I don't know what else to write. Ah yes. When I was through blogging yesterday, I ordered another Gevalia coffee pot. Hurrah!!! I had it withh the old one overflowing. Thomas can stick in under the cabinet in case the new one breaks. Well, I still suppose it's the filter issue and not actually the coffee pot. We just have so many of the big filters, it's hard not to use them!! Oh well. Guess I shouldn't skimp on everything.

Hoping everyone got my Christmas cards. I'm so glad Mom had all the extras for me to send. She's such a wonderfully giving person. I used to think she was trying to make up for not being there when I was growing up. She claims Grandma took me away from her. I guess Gramps validated it somewhat. Now I just believe she is a really giving person..

Funny thing about these morning pages: well, 2 funny things actually. 1) My old professor Frank Stokes had us write for 30 minutes every day and if we had nothing to write we were supposed to write, "I have nothing to write. I have nothing to write. This is stupid." You know, whatever came into our heads. So that is exactly what this book said. I wonder if the book writer was in her class or they were in a class together. It's a wholly original thought from someone. Just wonder if they knew each other. 2) This morning when I sat down here, my mind was not swirling with a ton of crap like it usually is when I wake up. I guess I am gettin all the junk out of my noggin an ddown on paper. Funny, but I do feel lighter and less baggage ridden.

I guess for my next few minutes I will bitch about Chealsea's and Chris' youth. I suppose when I was that age I was afraid. I remember myself as being particularly outgoing. I was learning things, social issues, places. I way always looking for reasons to go places and ways to ge there. Chris has the money to go, but won't. However Tom and I were observing him. He is very subdued in a social setting outside of work. He doesn't quite know how to act. I think he is taking lessons from us. Chelsea on the other hand, will probably live her life afraid to do anything alone.

Chelsea, I want to say something to you, and I want you to seriously consider it. Yo are welcome to get offended, but I mean it in the most loving way. If you are afraid of going down the road to Chili's by yourself, or anywhere new for fear of getting lost, if you are relying on your mother still to do as much as she does for you including financial support, perhaps you should seriously reconsider gettin married until after you have grown up. Now here's the thing. 19 is not necessarily grown up. It is only a number. People mature at different rates. Just because you have chosen to sleep with John doesn't qualify you as a grownup. You should probably give yourself time. Just because your mom had you at 19 doesn't mean you should follow in her footsteps. She probably leaned on you harder than she should have as she was growning up right along with you. You said that yourself. Making $11 an hour doesn't really make for a good relationship. Even if his parents are still supporting him, and your mother is still supporting you, you should not feel qualified to get married. Give yourself some time. You never really had a childhood, it seems to me. Go home. Get out your barbies. Relive the life you lost.

Until tomorrow..........................

Picture Pages, Picture Pages

I remember picture pages when I was little. We still lived on the farm. Grandma never ordered them for me, but that was ok. I liked to watch. SOmehow I felt a bit left out since I didn't have a book to follow along. I think Bill Cosby was the host. THe host with the most. But onward.

This morning the zit on my head looks angrier than it did last night. How could it possibly be big enough to give me a headache? Lord. THankfully I have the little pin the dermatologist gave me. It relieved some pressure without causing a huge hole. Still hurts, though.

Today is December 22. Just 3 days to Christmas and it is supposed to be 75 degrees. I guess my dirty little secret is that I'll be glad when it is over. I feel this year like it's not really Christmas. No presents for Thomas under the tree. He's hard to buy for. This is the man who has everything he wants. Maybe next year we will shop separately for each other. I would like to surprise him with cool stuff, but I guess there is no use if he doesn't want it. I guess it is better that we go shopping together.

Bathroom and coffee break.

I was gone longer than I had intended. Stupid coffe pot. I think it's time for a new one. The grounds keep overflowing. Of corse, if I have the right size filters, it might make a difference.

We forgot to ge tthe rent check from Lydia yesterday. I'll call her when I am through here. Tom makes me tired with worring about the rent check. Among other things. How can one man stress so much about everything? Perhaps he will not want to move north now. He had remarked that he would get tired of the cold every day. He knows I'll go, but he knows I'll bitch. I would rather hera him complain about the heat than me complain about the cold. Plus, I don't get sick down here. That's a huge bonus. I don't want to deal with another bout of pneumonia. Ever again! On the other hand, I miss the change in seasons. I miss fall and colored leaves and the chill in the air. I miss spring and tulips and daffodils and crocuses. Especially I miss crocuses. I miss snow. Walking in it, throwing snowballs. I love winter clothes, but I had a fit in Kmart because I was too hot. When you go outside it's too cold. I just don't know what we will do. I suppose we will find a happy medium somewhere. Or just dive right in to upstate New York. I think Tom would be overjoyed with that. I think I would, too. We could travel around to the neighboring towns for fairs and such. We could go in to the city for weekend shopping adventures and Christmas activities and the st. Patrick's Day parade. That would be so much fun!!! Then of course, we would be snowed in to our little town all winter. Yep, we'll probably move, but whatever we do, I think it will be Tom's decision. when we started dating again, he had an opportunity to move to NY that didn't pan out. But I was very apprehensive. I didn't want to move. I loved my little apartment. I loved being here. I was in school and in no place in my life to get up and move. I'm glad we didn't go then. I think life would have been a lot harder than it is here now. I look at the women there...all of Tom's friends' wives. They look rough. THey've had tough lives. I think it is from living in the city so long. Maybe it's just the lives they chose to lead that makes them look tired. Anyway, I don't want to look tired.

Speaking of which, we have an ab roller. I'm very excited. Haven't used it yet, but Tom says it's tough. I was pleased with myself for exercising 2 days in a row now. Hurrah for me!! Now I have to keep very good track of what I eat. Must watch the calories. I do put a lot of empty ones in to my system. Yesterday it was carmel corn and cheese corn and 3 cookies and salt& vinegar chips. But during that I ate healthy, too.

Must make an artist date with myself. I beieve that should be Christmas morning. A gift to me...

Alright. ntil tomorrow.

Morning Report

So today is the first day. Again. I guess this is supposed to be in long hand, in a notebook. Well, I am not abbreviating anything and I have a notebook computer. No wrong way to do this, right? Hey, pretty clever for the morning. Maybe I am a morning person after all. My mind races with thoughts of robins and sexy dreams and exercise and laundry that is crisp and white. I suppose we should talk to the aqua services people before we do the drastic city water route. Too expensive. I would much rather spend $200 on a pump than $3000 on city water that I have to pay for monthly. But onward to robins.
One of the things I had missed about moving to here from Illinois was the robins. Little Robin Redbreast hopping on the lawn. Of course up there we had yards. Anyway, Sunday morning the yard was full of robins hopping around looking for worms! I took the feeder out there. Today I see all of the food is gone. I will attribute that to squirrells and not birds. Not a majority of birds anyway.
Next subject is my weight. I am rounder than I think I have ever been. It is so bad I've got a hang over on my jeans. I always found that repulsive in other people and here I am. So off to Sam's we go for fish, chicken, vegetables, fruit, milk and soup. It must go away. I must reduce! Grandma used to say that. She was always so tiny and always wanted to loose her gut. well, she finally did, I guess.
Next subject is the squirrells in the roof. I guess I have to be the one to find the trap to get them out as I don't think Tom is going to. I know he forgets when he is not here, but they are going to eat right through the roof. Cute as they are and yes, I will feed them,, but no, I will not house them any longer. At least not willingly.
Change!! Donnie had talked to the principal at his daughter's charter school about me. She has an assistant position open that would be wonderful. It might be a good lead in to a position of my own. I would love to have a classroom!! lately, I feel as if I've been spinning my wheels. It has been six months since I've been in school. Now I have to get my resumes out to the districts. I should have everything ready to go and in the various board's offices by the time they get back to school in January.
Here's where I put "I don't know what to write. I don't know what to write." So I guess I need to check the laundry. there's another issue that is hanging over my head. I am tired and disgusted with the laundry. It's yellow. we bought oxy clean and era and liquid fabric softener and baking soda in an effort to make our laundry whiter and fresh smelling. Tom has a problem with odor under the pits...I guess the proper term is odor on the pits. ANyway, lately it has stayed on his clothes. It's pretty bad although I don't think it's a sbad as he thinks it is. So we shall see if tyhis works.

My exercise plan, or I guess my plan to lose weight, has begun and it goes like this: I will exercise for at least a half an hour each day, if not a full hour. I will eat right and not go the chip route. Which I sabbotaged myself with last night. What's an extra 240 calories when you're 20 pounds overweight? Well, it has to stop. and I have to stop writing as my 30 minutes is almost up. I am hoping this does me some good. Don't know that I will ever be a writer, but I enjoy my own creativity. Hope this helps. So from here I go to Selfdietclub.com and to the bathroom scale and on with the sweats and out of the door. And alter, to Sam's. Until tomorrow.

Brain Dead

The Man Servant. What else to call him? Has no opinions of his own. Has no thoughts of his own. No opinions. No life. Only his drink. And what Mom tells him to think. And to do. And to feel. Repeats to all what is said and done. His thoughts are so meager, the only thing he has to discuss is what time he went to be last night. What time did you go to bed last height? Eleven? Yeah, that's about what time I went. Watched TV for a bit. Went out for a cigarette. Then went to bed.

They use big words now. They don't want anyone to know what they're talking about. What's a philanthropist? Lyn said I didn't have to go down to the labor hall today. Said it was too cold and there would probably be no work anyway. Well, no complaints from me! I just came on home. Found a weed eater in the garbage. Took apart the carburetor, cleaned it, and on the third try it started right up! Probably works better than the on your mom has. {repeated to Tom an Mom in exactly the same wordage.}

So he works to give he money. I guess she thinks she is being charitable, giving him a place to live. Guess it covers up her gross misuse of the human spirit. I suppose it works for them. And constantly I wonder how she deals with it day in and day out. I have a hard time after only a couple of hours.

Last Girl Let Down

So what happened? Did Harriet hook up with Mark Twain and live Happily Ever After? Did Courtney go home to her Alzheimer's ridden husband? Did Anna the Writer connect with her old friends who turned out to be her only friends? Ever? And why did she go on the trip if she didn't like Baby? Why would Harriet not get on with her life after the death of Jefferson? Why would she blame Baby for so long? Why would she choose to live vicariously through Baby and not grow on her own? As proud as I was of her for telling Jefferson how she felt, I am saddened by her inability to get past it. Baby did. She did not love him. She knew it. She moved on. Despite Caroline's lump, she was truly the only one who was happy, as arduous as her life had been. She had earned her happiness.

A problem many men have is their inability to get past a harrowing love affair. Get over it and go on, for Christ sake. Would it not prove more fruitful to show your strength? Show you've got what it takes to live your life to its fullest? To make a difference? So many choose to show cowardice through suicide or, even worse, immobility. Women just live. They nurture. They survive. They try with all their might. When it's over, it's over. They know it. They move on. They ruminate for the sake of learning and growing their emotions. They do not brood. They know how to cry and cleanse themselves of the losses while keeping the good and building from there. They become.

The Evil of My Ways

Oh the what-ifs and where-to-fors and the whatevers. What if I were not so harsh? Not so demanding? More accepting of how and who people are? What if I allowed people to be weak and meek and fearful? What if I allowed people to be underhanded and sly while polishing their shell of sweetness? (If only I had a thesaurus!) ~note to self: ask Thomas for a Christmas Thesaurus~

The question remains; should I or shouldn't I? I feel it bubbling inside of me..When people are pussy-ish. When people are wishy-washy. When people cannot make a decision. When people zip their lips like six year olds. I feel inclined to tell them who they are. To point out their fallacies. The weakness of their ways. And I do. I generally find it difficult to hold back....Difficult being a mild understatement. And this makes me...A bully. Out of the mouths of babes. Babes who live at home with mommy and daddy and much too old boyfriend. Babes who plan to be married by 21 so to follow mamma's and gramma's footsteps. Babes to have three children by age 30.

And I have yet to answer the question. Am I doing any good by calling out to cowards? Probably not. Except in cases where I am directly affected. Scheduling comes to mind. Sick days. To take them or not? To force a spineless man to schedule them or not? To call in or to say I will be gone, schedule as such? I can keep quiet for a while. I can be still. But then I would be questioned. What is wrong? Are you mad? How do you feel? What do you think? And people genuinely don't know. They really don't learn. They don't know what will say. What will set me off. What I think. How I feel. They don't know they are being foolish. Or at least they don't know I think they are being foolish. How does one not learn? I have learned the ways of others with great predictability. Does no one pay enough attention to my rants to know what I will say or think or feel or do? So I am wasting my breath. I am using valuable time and effort on issues that do not matter, except of course when they directly affect me. Scheduling comes to mind.

Question answered.