From then to now........

................lots has changed and strangely, nothing. Nothing worse than wanting to write, yet feeling not good enough. Dylan seems inspiring, although if only his voice were soothing......

Grandpa died. Surprised us all. I really thought he'd be around for awhile. Missing my family. Thinking I am not there enough. Called Cheryl on Thanksgiving. She sounded happy. Said she wasn't, but was in her fun loving mood that I missed. She was always a cut up, even when she was down. Thinking back, it was the boys. She was always in a much better, lighter, mood when they were not around. I wonder if I would make a good mother........

Going to see Mom in a couple of weeks. Very excited. She sounded good on the phone when I talked to her Thanksgiving. Made me kind of want to be there. Kind of.

Amazing that I ran a marathon two weeks ago and still weigh 170 today. Here I sit being buttery.

Loving the new book I am reading...The Last Girls. Love all the characters, particularly the writer, Anna. She can just sit down and it all comes to her. That is so what I would like to do. I should check out Writer's Digest more often. Good ideas abound there, and I should try and not whine so much about not. I should check my English usage, as well. So many good writers on the MMB. There is always wonder there for me. Do they speak as eloquently as they write? Should check there later...................

Franny and Zooey

Finally finished. Felt like wading through bullshit. I guess the gist was purely the beatnik thing. Everyone, young people anyway, were looking for something higher. Something more spiritually. So Zooey searches for Jesus, unbeknownst to her that Jesus is in everyone she meets. Initially she feels the world is petty and small. People are materialistic and out of her realm. She comes to find she is no better and has no right to judge.

The story is apparently a combination of two stories Salinger wrote in the New Yorker. (a magazine I wish I had the enterprise to read.) Full of words I sorely needed to look up. He is an adjective master. Also tends to be long winded. Goes the long way to state his point. Excessively descriptive. I could see Franny's every movement as she picked up the phone to talk to "Buddy." I could almost understand how Zooey felt as he was trying to tell Franny that she was no different than the rest of the family. She just needed to find her way.

Made me want to write. Made me want to highlight words and break out the dictionary! Made me feel uneducated. Perhaps the Glass children were just overeducated. Or overstimulated. Or not stimulated enough. Seemed like a upper middle class family with nothing better to do than go on pilgrimages to search for God.

Getting through Salinger

I have become interested in the classics. Not that Salinger is a classic. But I feel like I need to know what people are talking about when they discuss particular writers. My thought is to read at least one from each author. I'm enjoying Franny and Zooey. Can't imagine how it will end. S is quite a prolific wordsmith. Strange story of wealthy family with above average intelligence. kids are too bored for college. Perhaps S is part of the beatniks generation. Need also to read Kerouac. Tried before and lost interest. K writes in one long sentence. Kept losing my place.

I find I am more creative when I am driving home or when I first get up in the morning. Now I would have said 'arise' if I had been in a wispy mode. HaHa!

So happily here I have left a relatively daily mark Gladly....goodnight~

Missing Grandpa

I thought last night on the way home from work about Grandpa. He has been gone about three weeks now. I was thinking it has only been two years since Grandma died. Seems like such a short time ago. Like yesterday. Must have been an eternity for him. I had told him we were coming in December. I think he knew he wouldn't be here. Now that I recall the conversation, it was in his voice. I am glad I called him back the last time he left a message. I still sometimes think I need to tell Grandma something that has happened or something I have seen or something I think she would enjoy. Then I remember and chuckle sadly to myself. I feel alone although I have Thomas, love of my life, and Mom, who I am getting to know.

Sometimes, it's just not the same.

Missing Grandpa

I thought last night on the way home from work about Grandpa. He has been gone about three weeks now. I was thinking it has only been two years since Grandma died. Seems like such a short time ago. Like yesterday. Must have been an eternity for him. I had told him we were coming in December. I think he knew he wouldn't be here. Now that I recall the conversation, it was in his voice. I am glad I called him back the last time he left a message. I still sometimes think I need to tell Grandma something that has happened or something I have seen or something I think she would enjoy. Then I remember and chuckle sadly to myself. I feel alone although I have Thomas, love of my life, and Mom, who I am getting to know.

Sometimes, it's just not the same.

Awake In A Funk

It's rough going to bed angry, particularly when one doesn't know why one is angry. But I kid myself. I know why he is angry. He doesn't want me to spend the money even though we discussed it, he was fine with it, and it is for us. But he will pout. That is the most annoying thing, when a mans pouts. I suppose it annoys him when I pout as well. I just get tired of the grunting and the lack of cuddling and the "I'm hot! It's too hot!" routine. Then turn the fucking air conditioner on. He gets upset because I don't fall all over him like I used to. Perhaps if he would bathe in the morning...or brush his teeth. I think perhaps he is looking for a reason to not have sex with me and then he can blame me for it all. I don't believe I will be putting up with that much longer.

"Alright, that's enough. I come on to you and you're hot or you're whiny and I'm not going to work at it if it is going to put you out. So I don't even want to hear that it is my fault. Get over yourself. Lose some weight. Take a bath. Brush your teeth."

That really didn't make me feel better. In fact, it was almost silly. Check. It would be silly to say it in those terms. Yet that is how I feel. So now that I have it out of my head and into cyber land, perhaps I can get a grip on the situation.

NEXT SUBJECT PLEASE!

Running: I have this race on Saturday...or possibly Sunday. Was originally 3 miles. Now it is almost 6. Having trouble running 2. Guess I'll be ok. When I feel like I can't go anymore, I will stop and walk for one minute. Then I will pick it up and keep going. I can do this. I Just don't want to. But, hopefully it will jump start my metabolism. I sortely need to take off 20 pounds. The older I get, the harder it is. I would much rather be reading. Yet I need to be healthy. received info yesterday from a holistic dermatologist about how food choices cause acne. So I ate Doritos and read the info. Well, peanut butter is bad for you. Thought I was doing so well!!! Apparently there is mold on the outside of the peanut that causes the body distress. I know what I need to eat. It's the whole fruits and vegetables thing. I cannot and will not give up dairy. But I will give up junk food. I need to give up white sugar and even sugar substitutes. That will not be one of my easier tasks. Perhaps I will cut down to one packet in my tea. Don't think I can drink it unsweetened. BLECK!

Need to go do the run thing. ThinkI am here only to not be out there. But, it has to be done. For my health and well being at this marathon.

I'm off~

Completely Annoyed

........that I just had a wonderfull post and erased it before I saved it!!! Shall not repost, revise or rewrite. The gist was this: Sad and frightened of the Bush regime. However, I will be more diligent this year and know what is going on. Will write letters and emails to congressmen, senators and friends. Will make myself heard. Will be a better person. If that is what comes out of this election, then it is worth it. Question: Will it make a better, more awake country? I'm am hopefull.

Good evening~